THE TRUTH ABOUT YULE, MEAL, AND EVERYONE ELSIE.


 
Way back last century in the year Anno Domini 1977, I hurried home from St.Joseph's Roman Catholic Primary School with excitement in my eyes, and yet another epistemological conceptualism to bestow upon my already weary family.

 "I don't understand why we have to make Christmas all about Jesus?
Why can't we make it more about Father Christmas?
We use his surname after all.
And we know that the Romans kill Jesus in a few months time anyway, so that we can have wafers AND wine on Easter Sunday.
Whereas Santa lives forever at the North Pole, and he gives out loads of presents to everyone, not just Catholics".

The stunned silence in our highly flammable polyester-furnished living room was not unusual.

 "I know which side I'd bat for!" I smugly announced.

My brother Kevin snorted milky tea through his nostrils.

When my father returned from work around 6-ish we all shut-up for 'His News'.

But as soon as the Nationwide credits rolled from all over the UK, my mother sat on my father's armchair rest, and began:

 "Father Christmas and Jesus come as a team at this time of year.
They're a duo. Like Batman & Robin.
The important thing is that we please them both by being good".

And thus began a lifetime of dichotomy;
of binary choice critique, of steadfastly remaining a footballer at a rugby-only school, of having a confused attitude towards parenting & global capitalism, and a loathing of Abrahamic Faith 'branding', in what looked like a competition for everyone's soul.

Later I asked my brother (Kevin) a lot of searching questions.
His lack of interest and discombobulation left me with even more puzzles than rejoinders.

And so on the eve of Baby Jesus & Bat-Santa's 'Kapow' fest, I ask you:






Does Russell Brand, Tommy Robinson, and Donald Trumps' Muscular Christianity involve the same Baby Jesus that hangs out with Santa?

And

Why DO we keep changing the clocks?

And

Is it still true that if you drink water from the hot tap you will get a tummy ache?

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